


TUA Chatfic

by holywaterspraybottle



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Any pronouns Number Five, Asexual Number Five | The Boy, Bisexual Allison Hargreeves, Bisexual Diego Hargreeves, Everybody Lives, F/F, F/M, Gay David Katz, HE HAD SEASON 2 CHARACTER DEVOLPMENT OKAY, He/Him and They/Them Pronouns for Klaus Hargreeves, Lesbian Sissy Cooper, Lesbian Vanya Hargreeves, Luther Hargreeves Needs A Hug, M/M, Multi, No Incest, Nobody is Dead, Non-Binary Klaus Hargreeves, Pansexual Klaus Hargreeves, Polyamorous Character, Polyamorous Diego Hargreeves, Polyamorous Eudora Patch, Polyamorous Lila Pitts, Post Season 2, She/they Lila Pitts, Trans Diego Hargreeves, can't believe i have to even say that, chatfic, crackfic, groupchat
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-27
Updated: 2021-02-25
Packaged: 2021-03-12 21:47:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 1,030
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29017638
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/holywaterspraybottle/pseuds/holywaterspraybottle
Relationships: Allison Hargreeves & Everyone, Ben Hargreeves & Everyone, Diego Hargreeves & Everyone, Diego Hargreeves/Eudora Patch/Lila Pitts, Klaus Hargreeves & Everyone, Klaus Hargreeves/David "Dave" Katz, Luther Hargreeves & Everyone, Number Five & Everyone, Raymond Chestnut/Allison Hargreeves, Sissy Cooper/Vanya Hargreeves, Vanya Hargreeves & Everyone
Comments: 2
Kudos: 50





	1. Chapter 1

five: klaus are you seriously blasting music at this hour?

klaus: yrys

klaus: ues

klaus: yed

vanya: it's okay take your time

klaus: y E s

diego: it sounds pretty good what song is it

klaus: california uber alles

diego: by who

klaus: uh

allison: oh shit

diego: ?

klaus: the

diego: the what

klaus: the dead kennedys-

diego: im-

_diego left the chat_

luther: wait what happened

allison: he's not over the jfk thing

klaus: his top celebrity crush

klaus: nah not top cuz johnny boy was def a bottom

ben: what

luther: i thought his top celebrity crush was antonio banderas

luther: oh ben you're finally alive- well

ben: not technically

ben: ghost fingers on phone just go brr

_allison added diego to the chat_

diego: -

diego: for your information antonio banderas and jfk are tied for top celebrity crush


	2. Chapter 2

klaus: anyoen awkae 

diego: no im not awkae 

allison: it's literally 1 am shut up 

klaus: but you were awkae too

allison: touché  
allison: i heard a rumor you went the fuck to sleep 

diego: does gay even work over text  
diego: that*

klaus: gay does work over text  
klaus: can confirm 

diego: man fucking autocorrect 

klaus: i  
klaus: man and autocorrect porn

diego: what.

five: if i get one more notifications i will kill you and your entire family in your sleep 

allison: you litterally are our family

five: exactly


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this will be updated randomly as i go- and fun fact: some of these conversations are ones i have actually had irl
> 
> and this chapter is

vanya: i just got 3 voice mails from south africa   
vanya: do i listen to them

ben: please do 

vanya: oki   
vanya: it's literally just beeps 

klaus: what if the beeps r morse code 

vanya: am i the chosen one

ben: yes  
ben: it all makes sense 

klaus: you have to save the people of south africa 

vanya: that's a big responsibility 

klaus: yk what is else is big 

diego: pls no 

klaus: ur responsibility to save the people of south africa 

allison: what if it's your soulmate 

diego: it's sissy 

five: why the fuck is sissy in south africa 

luther: your gf is in south africa? 

five: no you fucking twat she isn't actually there

luther: :(

vanya: so does anyone know morse code 

five: yes 

vanya: pls translate 

five: no 

vanya: :(

klaus: oh come on old man translate it 

vanya: translate it 

five: no 

ben: translate it 

allison: translate it 

luther: translate it 

five: no 

diego: translsye it   
diego: t r a n s l a t e   
diego: me when im late   
diego: that was horrible i apologize 

five: no 

luther: what   
luther: wait haha 

vanya: see di someone laughed at your joke 

diego: but it was luther   
diego: that's like worse than no one laughing 

luther: :(

five: k   
five: it just said E E E

ben: remarkable 

klaus: is it a call for help

five: no  
five: its literally three E’s


	4. Chapter 4

vanya: im crying 

luther: what why?

klaus: are you okay van??

diego: who do i have to stab 

allison: what happened?

five: what diego said. 

ben: you okay?

vanya: im fine but   
vanya: i went to dairy queen and the guy at the window accidentally flipped my drink over like the blizzards and spilled it on me 

klaus: omfg 

luther: oh

diego: so no knives?

vanya: no knives 

diego: well shit  
diego: but do you remember the name of the guy by any chance 

vanya: are you going to kill the dq guy i- 

luther: diego no 

diego: diego yes 

klaus: diego no 

diego: diego maybe 

ben: diego, no.

diego: ok


	5. Chapter 5

klaus: why did yall get so boring  
klaus: im gonna change the names 

klaus changed luther 's name to: robbyrotten  
klaus changed diego 's name to: stabbylad  
klaus changed allison 's name to: gossipgirl  
klaus changed their name to: lookslikedeath  
lookslikedeath changed five 's name to: littlebabyman  
lookslikedeath changed ben 's name to: ursula  
lookslikedeath changed vanya 's name to: ogcottagecorelesbian

lookslikedeath: perfecto 

stabbylad: thank you

ursula: tf 

lookslikedeath: fuck you ben 

lookslikedeath changed ursula 's name to: mrstealurvoice

mrstealurvoice: it's somehow worse 

ogcottagecorelesbian: hehehehehehe

robbyrotten: we are number one 

gossipgirl: accurate for all of us 

littlebabyman: HEY HEY NO  
littlebabyman: NOT ACURATE AT ALL  
littlebabyman: CHANGE IT NOW YOU DINGBAT 

lookslikedeath: nahhh  
lookslikedeath: wait  
lookslikedeath: shall i add the hargreeves partners for a lil spice 

stabbylad: oh no 

lookslikedeath added: eudora  
lookslikedeath changed eudora 's name to: patchworkquilt 

lookslikedeath added: lila  
lookslikedeath changed lila 's name to: stabbylass 

lookslikedeath added: dave  
lookslikedeath changed dave 's name to: goodoldfashionedloverboy

lookslikedeath added: raymond  
lookslikedeath changed raymond 's name to: rayofsunshine

lookslikedeath added: sissy  
lookslikedeath changed ogcottagecorelesbian 's name to: cclesbian1  
lookslikedeath changed sissy 's name to cclesbian2

stabbylass: HI  
stabbylass: WHY IS IT IN ALL CAPS WAIT WHAT  
stabbylass: nvm 

patchworkquilt: who is everyone again

stabbylass: ur hot gf 

stabbylad: and diegoo  
stabbylad: the not-so-hot bf 

stabbylass: shut the fuck up u r hot 

patchworkquilt: yes

cclesbian1: im vanya 

cclesbian2: sissy, vanya's girlfriend 

goodoldfashionedloverboy: dave im klaus' boyfriend-

lookslikedeath: the hottest bitch in this place aka klaus  
lookslikedeath: besides you hon

stabbylass: and me obviously 

lookslikedeath: and lila ig 

rayofsunshine: ray, allisons husband :)

robbyrotten: luther 

gossipgirl: allison 

littlebabyman: five 

mrstealurvoice: ben (btw im dead asf but don't question it)

patchworkquilt:.wait what  
patchworkquilt: then how are you-

lookslikedeath: magic


	6. Chapter 6

lookslikedeath: hey   
lookslikedeath: is butter just food lotion 

mrstealurvoice: klaus just shut up and go to sleep  
mrstealurvoice: please 

stabbylass: no no he's got a point 

stabbylad: lila not you too 

stabbylass: but they're right 

stabbylad: no   
stabbylad: no they're not 

stabbylass: you are no fun you do know that right 

lookslikedeath: THATS WHAT I SAID

lookslikedeath: so are medusas leg hairs snakes 

mrstealurvoice: klaus i will fucking murder you 

lookslikedeath: not if i murder you first   
lookslikedeath: well.

mrstealurvoice: haha very funny now shut the fuck up

lookslikedeath: yk i actually have died before LMAOOOO 

rayofsunshine: pardon-

lookslikedeath: oh yeah it was when i was going to get luther at a rave but then i got killed by a furry and i met god she's a tween girl btw and my dad was there and he shaved me and then i got kicked out of heaven lol

rayofsunshine: huh. 

gossipgirl: there is a lot i forgot to tell you 

rayofsunshine: i can see that


End file.
